Q: What do JFK, Area 51 and Ian Tomlinson all have in common?

A: ‘A senior police officer who investigated the death of Ian Tomlinson told his family that the officer who struck him at the G20 demonstrations could have been a member of the public “dressed in police uniform”, it emerged last night.’ (The Guardian)

Well, thank goodness for that. There I was going about worrying our police force had descended into an armed mob of thugs who wouldn’t know a human rights violation if it violated them right in the pills, for no reason at all.

Now I find out that it may well have been a member of the public masquerading as a police officer (armed with baton, full uniform and restraining techniques). Phew! What a load off.

Of course that makes sense, I mean, well, I’ve come to expect behaviour like that from we proletariat. And it is the oldest trick in the book after all - the famous ‘protest-in-a-rented-uniform-batter-an-innocent-news-vendor-to-death-and-use-it-as-a-means-to-expose-brutality-amongst-our-law-enforcement-agents-whilst-ignoring-the-small-matter-of-it-being-a-peaceful-protest-against-the-G20-summit-in-which-the-police-were-not-expected-to-have-any-major-involvement’ routine. A timeless classic. My faith in the uniform of the law is suitably restored.

But wait. If the conspiracy stretches this far, then surely it could be more convoluted than we initially anticipated. What if this wicked protester worked his way into the force from an early age, an undercover activist whose designs were leading always to the day of the G20 protests?

In fact, maybe there was no real Tomlinson at all and this was all an elaborate set-up. What if he and his grieving family members are actually just actors in on the whole charade?

Or what if it goes higher than that? What if there was no protest at all and this is one big media contrivance designed for the purposes of a huge exposé?

Good lord! What if we’ve got it all wrong and it really is the police force’s fault, the offending agent actually a police officer posturing as a citizen dressed as a policeman?!

…my god. Perhaps this is just a horrible dream and we’re actually all fabrications of a supermarket till worker asleep at the checkout?

Or worst of all, what if it’s not a dream at all? What if an everyday junior police officer, with very little training in crowd control at all, panicked and hit a man exceptionally hard during a peaceful protest?

What if, eh? What if…