Paul Octopussies Out

Paul the Octopus is to retire from the world of professional forecasting.

The astonishing rise to fame for this mystical cephalopod has created more headlines than that feetball thingy...you know, with the different coloured shirts. No? I'll explain later.

The BBC claim that Paul's seeming ability to render active competition obsolete has seen betting shops from around the world place bids to take him off the hands of his Oberhausen Aquarian owners. All potential buyers have been disappointed however due to Paul's choosing to step down from his decision-making duties.

This news will come as a heavy blow to the Aquarium itself as it is rumoured they were in the process of finalising a multi-million euro deal with the FA that would have cancelled all professional fixtures. Reports say that Paul's contract would have seen him broadcast live every Saturday and Sunday picking a mussel out of a jar over the course of 90 minutes...several times.

Well, well, well Paul. It seems you're shrewder than I first thought.

Clearly aware that his cheap parlour tricks and brief foray into this particularly theatrical brand of match-fixing (I call a spade a spade when I see one) might well be exposed, he's made his money and scarpered.

It's a smart move for someone with no skeleton. It was only a matter of time before the media tide turned (as it does for all the greats), Paul predicted an incorrect result in the Bundesliga and they said 'Fuck it. Let's eat him.'

Sources close to Paul claim that he left just moments before Spain's winning extra-time goal to board his new yacht which he co-owns with sister Sarah Jessica Parker. The pair are currently enjoying a holiday at the family home in the Azores.