Friday, 16 July 2010

Paul Octopussies Out

Paul the Octopus is to retire from the world of professional forecasting.

The astonishing rise to fame for this mystical cephalopod has created more headlines than that feetball thingy...you know, with the different coloured shirts. No? I'll explain later.

The BBC claim that Paul's seeming ability to render active competition obsolete has seen betting shops from around the world place bids to take him off the hands of his Oberhausen Aquarian owners. All potential buyers have been disappointed however due to Paul's choosing to step down from his decision-making duties.

This news will come as a heavy blow to the Aquarium itself as it is rumoured they were in the process of finalising a multi-million euro deal with the FA that would have cancelled all professional fixtures. Reports say that Paul's contract would have seen him broadcast live every Saturday and Sunday picking a mussel out of a jar over the course of 90 minutes...several times.

Well, well, well Paul. It seems you're shrewder than I first thought.

Clearly aware that his cheap parlour tricks and brief foray into this particularly theatrical brand of match-fixing (I call a spade a spade when I see one) might well be exposed, he's made his money and scarpered.

It's a smart move for someone with no skeleton. It was only a matter of time before the media tide turned (as it does for all the greats), Paul predicted an incorrect result in the Bundesliga and they said 'Fuck it. Let's eat him.'

Sources close to Paul claim that he left just moments before Spain's winning extra-time goal to board his new yacht which he co-owns with sister Sarah Jessica Parker. The pair are currently enjoying a holiday at the family home in the Azores.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Wiki Wiki That's a useless-ass day


Things I was meant to do today:


1) Dissertation work
2) A list of plays my boss has requested
3) An history of a particular hospital from the 1700s


Number of these tasks achieved: Zero

Things I have learnt today:

1) Shanghai, despite not being the capital, is the most highly populated city in China.
2) The psychic octopus has predicted the Spanish will win tonight's football World Cup semi-final.
3) There is a Chilean football player called Waldo Ponce (N.B. This information was also gained along with the fact that hot coffee is the second most painful substance ever to come out of my nose).
4) I like Walnut and Banana cake.
5) The time it takes milky coffee to make me poo is about a third longer than black coffee.
6) A man named Gordon Frost whom I have never met (and, given that he's dead, am never likely to meet) once owned a brewery.
7) As of 15th May 2010 the current squad for Macclesfield Town FC contains eighteen Englishmen, one Jamaican, one Algerian (he must be popular) and one José Veiga of Cape Verde.
8) Cape Verde is an island country, spanning an archipelago located in the Macaronesia ecoregion of the central Atlantic Ocean, off the western coast of Africa, close to Mauritania and Senegal.
9) An 'archipelago' is a cluster of islands formed tectonically.
10) Steven Spielberg is currently listed as developing a film alluringly entitled Robopocalypse.
11) A waka is either a Maori canoe or a Japanese poem.
12) Wikipedia is four times more likely to prevent any sort of productive output in my day than it is to help produce anything of value or worth.

Here is a picture of an hilarious baby so that you too might find that it has all been worth it: